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03.03.2001

kind words and my grandmother

its saturday.. yeah.. no more dealing with denial of service attacks, at least not till monday.. *grin*

found a wonderful surprise at kaycee's log.. i'm being read! and what a nice thing to say about me too. thank you.

my mother is visiting. my mother and her partner, jim. my mom brought me a bunch of things of my grandmother's.. its the first time i've seen anyone else who knew her since she died. my mother gave me some jewelry, a couple of stuffed bears that she'd had since i was a kid.. and some other things.. but the most poignant seems to be the watch that my mother bought for her just a couple of days before she died. apparently she really wanted a watch, so my mother went out and bought her this watch. i dunno, its not like it had been something she'd had all her life, but it was something she had with her when she died, and now i'm wearing it. and i'm not just wearing any ol' cheapo (my mother's word) watch, i'm wearing my grandmother's.. and it feels good. and it feels sad.. because now her death isn't just something that i'm hearing about on the other end of the phone, now her death is here and real, and i can touch it and feel it. and i'm not crying and i'm not torn up inside.. i'm just knowing to a different degree what i already knew. and now i have something of hers and i get to wear it around, and i get to tell people the story of my watch. and that means that i get to carry on her memory, and let people know that louise miller wilkins existed. and she was my grandmother.

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